Thursday, January 07, 2010

Eating My Heart Out.

So, I'm baking.
Brownies, Key-Lime Pie, and cupcakes. In that order, beginning tonight.
Grief has a way of activating us.Why Grief? Because it's the emotion that presses on us, leaves, and returns. Often, folks say it comes "in waves". Mine comes like musical notes--high notes; low, deep notes. Every day.
Who am I grieving? My uncle's life-partner, a man with many wonderful talents, R. worked as a carpenter, barber, florist, renovator of homes, and gardener. R. was tender-hearted towards animals. He even adopted and cared-for an orphaned squirrel--for the whole six years it lived(inside their home).
When my uncle called to go over the obituary with me(I was placing it in the paper here, for him, as he lives elsewhere), he asked how he should refer to R.
"Should I say 'companion' or 'partner', Lisa?"
"Why don't you say 'Life-Partner', I mean, if you want to..."
He interrupted with "make a statement?"
"Yes," I said,
"Because he was your Life-Partner."
"42 Years", he said.
This is what I'm grieving. That his love,their love, while always there, was never openly acknowledged. Oh, it was with me(I'm an activist, I'm the Bi niece he can say anything to), but I think it's only now that he sees that maybe if he/the two of them could've been more open, more "out", the loss that he feels wouldn't have this ring of hollowness, that we both know it does.
That's why I'm grieving. I'm grieving that they never really had that recognition--as two men who deeply loved one another, as two men, both smart, both witty, both with many losses in childhood, who looked to each other, to walk through life with, together.
Peace, kids.

7 comments:

Yolanda said...

I'm so sorry for your uncle's loss. He's so fortunate to have you as his support person. I long for the day when GLBTs can be open about who they are without fear of retaliation.

Lisa Allender said...

Yolanda--Thank you for that. I appreciate your support.
It is terribly sad that so many LGBT of earlier generations were treated so badly; there is still so much fear.

christine said...

Oh, Lisa, how poignant and sad. I'm glad he has you to talk to.

Montgomery Maxton said...

*hug* to you and your uncle.

Selma said...

This is really, really sad. Much love to you and your Uncle XXX

Dave Dubya said...

Your uncle was lucky to have such a good partner. And he is lucky to have such an understanding and caring niece.

Lisa Allender said...

Christine--Thanks, sweetie! :)
MM--Thank you very much.
Selma--Yeah,the memorial was today. It went better than I expected. Really.
Dave Dubya--He is a good man, but with lots of issues(like all of us, I guess--we all have "stuff").
I hope he knows how understanding I really do, try to be.