Friday, November 16, 2012

What I Did Not Do, This Summer.

This Summer, I did not write about my Yia-Yia(Georgia--my mother--Demetra's mother), who would have been 101, on June 29th. How she was kind, and had stories of her Greek parents' immigrant lives here, that left me feeling grateful for their incredible sacrifices.I did not write about The 4th of July, or the wonderful essay she wrote,back in the 1980's, about those immigrant-dreams-come-true, or even publish the essay here, which I most certainly will do.I did not write about the events of--if my allegedly stellar memory is correct--the events of July 20th of this year, which was one of the most horrific, and confirmed one of my weirder, long-time phobias: fear of being shot in a movie-house. When we first learned of the shootings at the screening of "Batman Rises" in Aurora, Colorado, my husband and I of course, both expressed shock and outrage, but he added, "Well, Lisa, I guess you can check this off your list of things never to worry about again, it's already happened." It's true--I'm rather paranoid in movie theaters, checking exits all throughout the showing of any film, and looking around the audience, just before and as I'm about to exit, searching for a light, a laser-sight, a barrel...It's been a fear for over twenty years now, triggered (pardon the awful, unintentional pun here, but I'm free-associating and will make no corrections in this piece)by nothing, and seemingly, everything. I did not write about the end-of-summer, or the fact that I did not get to see my oldest niece, except just briefly (I did not write about the brief trip in June--seeing Daddy, seeing Mom, seeing sis Tina & her hubby, Tom, Eternal Friend, Jeanne Adams, or a play that melted my heart with its' authenticity: my fav playwright, Tennessee Williams' "A Streetcar Named Desire", and Directed by C. David Frankel, of U.S.F., my college-home)Breaz, my sister's lone child--a stunning blond girl in college, finding her way, weaving a life for herself, but too faraway. I did not write about missing Rachel, the next-eldest niece, my husband's older brother, Young Soo's older girl, or how it made me sad she had to "stay home to study" while the rest of us enjoyed family gatherings, meals, laughter. How I wish I could warn my nieces: Breaz, Rachel, Grace (Rachel's younger sis), and teeny-tiny Morgan Catherine (hubby Hansoo's younger bro, Arthur's girl), how fast this life goes past, how I search for a word, or a phrase that is fresh, but "fleeting", and "flies by" is what Life is, what it does. How concerned I am, dreams being what they are--persistent, insistent--that I may not be here much longer. That something is impending, upending, terrifying. And so very real, I can almost touch it. How I wish I had not just typed those words. How I worry those words are "out there" now, even before I hit the "Post" button here on this ancient desktop. How I long to run and cover myself with heavy blankets, start the day over, with a brighter smile, a heart not so tight, the pain in my limbs, gone, but I cannot. Because I have not written about this, this summer, I did not write how summer left me exhausted, hot, tired, sweating, even now, every night, in what is nearly winter, 40 degree Farenheit temperature... How Life for me, means Acting, and how I will be able to do just that--act--in a Supporting Role--very soon--in David-Matthew Barnes' "Made From Scratch". How I encouraged Eternal Friend, Coral McGhee, to audition--for a Supporting Lead role. How she seemed excited,but timid. How her audition, which was amazing, and raw, and real, made my heart grow, so full, it actually hurt.So happy for her, when she got.the.role. So excited to work alongside her, and to work with award-winning David-Matthew Barnes. How I did not write, how grateful I was, and how I still am. How Writing is my other love, how if I act, I feel as if I'm "cheating" on writing; how if I write, I'm committing "adultery" , hiding my words behind acting's back.... How I know I ramble, that it's hard to sort out words into neat categories, how it's harder still to get pictures that whiz through my brain, sometimes all-at-once, to slow. down. How I hope this autumn, as the leaves fall from trees, as winter approaches, I'll be able to do, what I did not do, for the past several months: post here, in this blog. Peace, kids. Look for an update on what's been happening, since August, in my next post. And if you have not done so already, kindly Friend me on Facebook,so we can "see" each other. Facebook: use my full name, "Lisa Nanette Allender" For Twitter: @lisaallender

5 comments:

Richard D. Funderburke said...

I wrote a nice long comment yesterday but I must have skipped something since it didn't show up!! I enjoyed your latest list of "not done" things and feel much the same. With a broken knee, surgery, other medical issues and moving this past summer, I left much "unsaid" this year as well. I didn't realize you had a poetry book coming out. It will be fun to go to your first reading and book signing!!!! I am excited for you.

Lisa Allender said...

Dick--Hi there. Oh, wish the "nice long comment" of yours, had posted, but I hear ya, and feel ya, on this comment of yours that I do get to see...Hope your medical issues are well behind you...
re. my book of poems:
I've been SAYING "Words From Water: Poems" will be "forthcoming", for years now. I have NO excuse for not publishing...and I'm now considering a title-change:
"Heavy Water"--the name for water "charged", as in a Nuclear Reactor...

Don't Feed The Pixies said...

Shakespeare wrote and acted - i think its probably ok based on that to do both and not worry

Nice to have you back after the break - keep it up

Harnett-Hargrove said...

Thanks for the meander of things you did not write about ... hey! Wait a minute!!! -xo

Lisa Allender said...

Pixies--Sending Love and Light, sweetie!Thanks for compliments! :D
Cuz Jayne-- I hit your lovely blog a few daze ago, oops--days--but maybe "daze" works, too....
Thanks for stopping in and what is that phrase of yours? Oh yes: "...leaving a piece of your mind." Awesomeness, Harnett-Hargrove. :D