Recognition

Today is the day-after-Dr. Martin-Luther-King,Jr.-Day.

My hubby and my "Omma K" and I, celebrated the King Holiday, and the New Year together, at "678" Restaurant, in sunny, but very chilly, Duluth.

Although Duluth is only a few miles from us, it felt much colder. It was windy, and damp, and the day was made warm and beautiful, inside that restaurant, with our server, Aaron, who was as courteous, kind, and speedy as any server could be. He was also incredibly knowledgeable regarding  the various dishes offered, even though he revealed he's only worked there a relatively short period of time. 

We chose the option of unlimited Pan Jun (the various pickled side dishes which come with every South Korean meal) and the 6-types-of-beef "Kalbee", or grilled beef.

When I say "grilled", I mean, at-your-table-using-charcoal-grilled!If you've never experienced this, you simply must go!(Be warned: do not wear any delicate fabric, or sweater you often wear, as you'll need to launder your clothes,immediately --after, as the charcoal scent will "cling" to your clothes. It's not "unpleasant", just strong. EVERYone will know you were in front of the charcoal-grill for dinner!)

But, Yummmmmm. And this meal is finished with a huge bowl of noodles with a mild Kimchee-like sauce.

 My mother-in-law very generously treated us to this elaborate meal. "Omma K" rocks.

On the way home, after we'd finished grocery shopping, we stopped in at "Bobba Mocha", a delightful cafe' where the "Bubble Tea" is the very best! I was so touched by the array of humanity gathered there (Indonesian and Malay Muslim women, in hijabs, young Black American children, South Korean students, doctors and nurses from India and Pakistan, two smiling blond teenage girls, an African-American mom, coral-ling children from at least 4 different ethnic groups), that I shot video of this cute eatery. I then posted--of course--said video, on Facebook. Because it was Dr. King Holiday, and "....this is who we are--America is for everyone."

We are nearing February, and that means my hubby and I are headed towards our 9th Wedding Anniversary, on February 10th.

I never wanted to get married; I felt I was "too selfish", too dedicated to becoming a better actress, and later, to becoming a better writer, to fully commit myself to a thing like....marriage.

And what did "marriage" mean, anyway? Hadn't my parents--who loved each other passionately and unselfishly, sacrificing for us-their children, and for each other-- hadn't they had a great, fulfilling marriage? And that great marriage, had ended, anyway.....

I was certainly a confirmed "Marriage-O-Phobe".

And now? Nearly twenty-one years after meeting Hansoo (August 4th, 1995), nearly fifteen years after becoming engaged (August 25th, 2001), and nearly nine years after saying  "I Do." , how do I feel about marriage?

I think I'm incredibly fortunate: 

I have a partner who loves me deeply, passionately, and unconditionally, as I do, him. I have grown more responsible, more centered, more me-- as a result of being in a loving relationship where I'm encouraged to act, to write, to be more whole.

I hope I'm always as encouraging of Hansoo, as he is, of me. As an incredibly accomplished management consultant/logistics professional, traveling throughout the United States and the world, and more recently,  as a successful hedge fund manager, Hansoo often has me looking up,  in awe of him. Younger than me by over a decade, he never stops surprising me with thoughtful gestures, every day:

 My favorite olives, in the pantry or in the fridge, without my asking. (He hates olives, by the way!)

A surprise of elegantly-wrapped, assorted macaroons from the nearby French bakery.

My favorite Jasmine Tea, from the Korean market.

My favorite body-butter (Coconut Body Butter, from The Body Shop), "just because".

 

I began this entry, wondering if I would end up writing about the (ugly) politics of today, in regards to Dr. King Holiday. As usual, I discovered a new truth, while in the process of writing:

that the ethos of Dr. King is often much closer than politics, or "big-name" politicians, or religious leaders. Sometimes, the ethics and way of life which we recognize and value in great leaders, is closer than we think. Sometimes, you see these same traits, in the person to whom you're married.

I just now, figured this out.

Happy Dr. King Day! Enjoy the rest of this beautiful week. Now, go hug your life-partner.....

Peace, kids.

Eulogy for Mom--Demetra Leonora Allender, May 28th, 1939-October 12th, 2014.

So it ends. The life of the person who birthed me into this world, the person whose life I fought to save, for the past 17 months, has left this world. I must write the Eulogy for Mom, for her funeral, very soon. I've already written background-info for the priest (she's having a Roman Catholic Funeral). I've listed who she is "survived-by", and written a brief bio for the funeral home which handled her cremation, because they are posting that info, as well as announcements of the arrangements, etc., on their website for us. And now? The Eulogy.... How do I begin to describe Mom? Well, she was gorgeous: a dark-haired, doe-eyed Greek beauty, with olive skin and defiant, curly black hair. Hair she often despised, as she found it "unmanageable". I'd say her hair was like Mom: untamed, and un-tame-able, Mom lived her life by her own rules. She exited childhood and leapt quickly into marriage, a marriage that although it didn't last forever, lasted a good long while, a marriage that even Mom would later say was "a good, strong marriage". A marriage that provided her with two daughters who adored her. Mom was not afraid of hard work, or getting sweaty, or dirty. Her love of the gym, running, jogging, bicycling, and gardening, all delightful for her. In a word, "Work-out" describes Mom, because in addition to the obvious act of working-out, Mom gave us all a mental-workout, as she was always up-to-date on world events, and politics. She loved all things CNN, and MSNBC. Lived for Anderson Cooper, and Chris Matthews. "Meet the Press", and "Face the Nation". Mom was active in campaigning, too. I asked my sister, Tina, if she could name one word to describe Mom, what word would she use, and she immediately said: "forgiving", and, 'sacrifice', because she made sure we always had everything we needed..." Tina's correct. Mom's forgiving heart meant we could come to her, even if we'd made a mistake--unafraid, knowing we would be unconditionally LOVED...and her total commitment to providing for others may well have been her biggest flaw, in that she often neglected her own needs, choosing to help her family, no matter the cost. And Mom welcomed us with her faith, always. For me, a person who for decades did not have a sense of God, her patience and example of selflessness deeply affected me. Eventually, I returned to the Church, and Mom, then-employed by The Jewish Center in Dunwoody, Georgia, as I discussed my flourishing curiosity about all things spiritual, remarked "You know, Lisa, if I weren't Catholic, I'd be Jewish...I love the rituals, the food, and you know, Jesus was Jewish..." Shortly after Mom was diagnosed, she said her faith was strong, but she wondered if it was 'strong enough". I saw her whip through day after day, week after week, month after month, of Radiation Therapy, and the bi-monthly Chemotherapy, and the attendant acupuncture to improve her balance, the physical therapy to help her walk a bit, the extra supplements she had to swallow, often painfully, and I saw a woman, undeterred, determined, and brave. We attended Mass together, in Newnan. We saw Mom get stellar results from her treatments that as her physicians stated, "only 1% of cancer patients receive." And when times got tougher, she was able to find joy even in the darkest of moments, by painting, or attending a drum-circle session, playing Bingo, or enjoying gelato. One day when Mom was especially tired, the Chaplain at CTCA, Newnan, came by and left a book for us, outside our door. Knowing Mom needed her rest, I brought the book, entitled "Jesus Calling" inside, setting it on a table out of her sight, as she was already falling asleep. When she asked "Who was that?" I answered simply, "Why, it was Chaplain Lawanda, she brought "Jesus Calling". "Well, tell him I'm not ready", was her curt reply. Such was Mom. Inclusive, loving, always-quick-witted, and always there for us. Sunday before last, Mom was ready, and I watched her fly away to a place of peace. We Love You, Mom.

May:Jaundiced Month.

So this is what it feels like, to feel powerless. To feel bereft, before a loss. To know the ache in your chest is just the beginning of the hurt which may never, ever end. This is where I am at, since May 7th. May used to be my favorite month. The pollen subsided, it meant flowers, sun, cooler temperatures than the swelter of July or August. May meant Mother's Day, and my beloved Mom's Birthday (I have numerous posts in years past, on May 28th, paying homage, to her). This year, on May 7th, at approximately 7:30 am, I received a phone call from my Mom. She had news. For over 18 months, Mom--Demetra Leonora (Comati) Allender-- had complained of extreme exhaustion; she'd asked for--and been denied--a chest x-ray, even though she explained she sometimes felt short of breath. It's not like she was considered at-risk, for much of anything. After all, my then-73-year-old Mom still worked full-time, and rose every morning very early (5:00 am)to walk/run 3-5 miles. She has always enjoyed working out at the gym, and is extremely fit. Suddenly, it was not possible to do those things, anymore... The only serious illness in her family, was the awful incidence of Pancreatic cancer, which took both her older, and then younger sister, years ago...and given that Mom was so tired, and that doctors wanted to "rule out" cancer, a test to screen for digestive cancers was performed. "You are Negative for Pancreatic Cancer", said her doctors. The exhaustion continued, and a serious cough, ensued, and then, persisted.... Finally, she was given the chest x-ray she'd repeatedly asked for, and the doctor told her right away, that "...a nodule, and a mass was found, on her right lung..." A biopsy--standard procedure, she was told--was ordered. So, on May 7th, my Mom called, to tell me the results of that biopsy. In a labored, winded, tiny, voice, my athletic, fit, beautiful Mom said: "Lisa, it's cancer; I have cancer..." "What, Mom--it's LUNG?" "Yes..." "Oh, Mom, I am so sorry....but you never ever smoked; I don't understand. Can you get a second opinion?" Then, after catching my own breath: "Mom, we'll get through this. Do you know what stage?" "No, they haven't done that yet..." At this point, my sister Tina must've come into the room. My Mom lives with Tina and her husband, Tom, and apparently had searched the upstairs for Tina, early that morning, to share this news with her. "It's cancer, Tina, the doctor just called. He asked if I was alone, and I told him, 'No, I'm here with my daughter'." I heard my lovely, former-cheerleader sister ask, in an uncharacteristically soft tone, "I was in the shower...Who are you on the phone with, now, Mom?" "Lisa...when I couldn't find you, I called her." I giggled and said "Gee, thanks, Mom--you couldn't find Tina, so ya called me....Of course... This is hilarious..." We all laughed. I was on a plane to my sis Tina's, within three days, and stayed too-long-for-a-houseguest-but-maybe-long-enough-to-assist-in-Mom's-needs, as Tina works a full-time-job-outside-the-home, and as she drove Mom to and from numerous medical appointments, I cooked some meals, cleaned up the kitchen, made phone calls, researched cancer and treatments on the internet, and helped with laundry, and Mom's medicine-memory... We welcomed Mom's only grandchild(my gorgeous sis--Tina's equally stunning daughter)--Breaz--back home from college, and we held each other and we laughed about how many colors my hair has been, and we joked about Mom losing hers, soon, due to the radiation treatments to her head for the brain tumors (10 tiny tumors in all, but only 2 are concerning, and only 1 of those, considered rather serious--it is in the "mid-brain", which may be responsible for a sudden lack of balance.) We celebrated Mother's Day (my hubby Hansoo treated us to both Greek food in the afternoon, and then dinner out, on Mother's Day--Italian!) together; we celebrated Mom's birthday (some fancy grilling, including lobsters, courtesy my kind bro-in-law, Chef, Tom; great Cajun Boil (spicy shrimp, corn, potatoes, Andouille sausage), from my wise chef-sis, Tina), together. I had called Cancer Treatment Centers of America on the same day my Mom received her diagnosis, but I did want to appear pushy in fetching her to visit the facility (which opened in August, 2012) in Newnan, Georgia...CTCA is very famous for their work, which began nearly 30 years ago, in Chicago... Tina knew of CTCA, and knew folks who'd availed themselves of the Pennsylvania facility; Unc Bud (Mom's sole remaining sibling)knew of CTCA, and I was hoping Mom would give it a chance. She'd already had Radiation for her brain-- and we were told she had a very rare type of cancer: Never-Smoker's Non-Small-Cell, Stage 4, Lung-to-Brain Cancer. "Surgery is not an option; you can get Chemo, once every three weeks..." they'd told her, in Florida.(The doctors in Florida are great, as is their world-renown medical center, but Mom was looking for "more aggressive treatment", as she put it) The cancer had already metastasized, but Mom has always been a competitive person--she's not going down, she is beating cancer, back.. We flew up from southeast Florida, Mom and I, the day after her 74th Birthday, on May 29th, and it's been quite the "journey", as everyone who's ever tangled with cancer calls it, ever since. Once we were accepted for treatment at CTCA, the real work began: an everyday trek, approximately one hour and twenty-minutes away, for a Monday-through-Friday date-with-Radiation-to-Lung, and then, once a week, 6 hours of Chemo to kill cancer cells in the Lung (Chemo does NOT eradicate cancer in brain). Big kudos to Dan Morrison, a man who may not be "blood", but he is most certainly, our kin. He has driven us everyday, and also has assisted me at home with everything from dog-care, to vacuuming... Within two days of meeting Dr. Bechara, he arranged for Mom to have a breakthrough surgery which allowed him to burn away the cancer which had pushed into her (narrowed) windpipe, causing her to sound perpetually winded, whenever she spoke. It literally improved her life, overnight. Her recovery from surgery was quick, and with her windpipe "widened to normal", she could breathe easier, and receive oxygen such that her thinking was clearer, and she began to feel better.... Dr. Cavanaugh (Radiation Oncology) and Dr. Randolph (Chemo Oncology) are stellar doctors. I'm so impressed by their individual accomplishments, and their incredible empathy for their patients. CTCA says they have "The Mother Standard"--treat every patient "as if she is your own mother." So I'll be updating this more often now, because just as Mom has her "second wind", so do I. And the ominous tone, as I began this post? I won't go back and edit it, change it to sound more "upbeat", because if I've learned anything from cancer, it's that the reality--and what you feel about that reality--changes: not day-to-day (I tell Mom, "We don't have 'Good Days and Bad Days', all our days are great, but we have a few awful hours..."), but minute-to-minute, word-by-word... Peace, kids.

Remembering my Sister's Wedding Anniversary...and also, my own wedding!

So yesterday(April 30th) was the fifth wedding anniversary(they wed in 2005) of my sis, Tina and her hubby, Tom.
Their wedding was an intimate, sunny affair, held dockside and with birds flying overhead. My beautifully-blond, sunny sister had chosen the perfect venue for her: filled with lightness, and sweetness.
They live faraway, so I celebrated here in my house in Georgia, by looking at pictures of that exuberant couple, and of us celebrating at their wedding.
Later at night, Hansoo(my husband) says, "Hey, remember I told you I'd look for that cd from our own wedding?"
"The one that has, like, 900 photos on it?"
"Yeah, that one..."
So, I ended up looking at all 900-and-something(no kidding, our marvelous wedding-photographer snapped that many!),and was tickled to see so many of Tina & Tom enjoying themselves, at our own wedding.(We married on Feburary 10th 2007).
The fact that may surprise you all who are reading this, is that I never saw most of these pictures from our own wedding, at all.
Why?
Because shortly after our wedding, after reviewing only a few dozen photos, I began to be absolutely "sick" of my own face. It was just dizzying...
I simply did NOT want to be saddled with "choosing" the 300 photos we were allowed for the huge wedding-album Heidi Hofman(our photographer)was creating for us.
So I gave that responsibility to Hansoo, who did a great job of selecting a mix of photos of family and friends for us, which then went into our official album.
But seeing all 900+ photographs last night(he put them in a slideshow setting, so I could watch it, hands-free, on computer) was amazing!
This time, now three years since our wedding, I could enjoy seeing my "young" face lit up in joy, and what was especially rewarding was seeing all those moments everyone experienced---and that I lived---captured!
The shots that made my lip, tremble:
my sis(and my Matron-of-Honor) Tina, kneeling, struggling--with a smile-- to get my sky-high heels onto my feet, and later shots of Breaz(my sweet niece)looking inquiringly, as I peered into the mirror.
I loved seeing my vibrant Aunt Carolyn Service(my Daddy's sis), dancing, doing kicks, and tilting her head towards me, in the way she often does, whenever we are photographed, together.It made me cry, epecially since Aunt Carolyn, on the 7th of April of this year, suffered a heart attack, and is taking some time away from her Florida Sherriff's Deputy job.
This photographer was so good, she captured everything from my nervous glance at my Dad--John, before we began the march down the aisle, to my entreating my Mom--Demetra, and cuz Gigi, onto the dance floor with pals and bridesmaids Coral and Jeanne....to the tear precariously perched just below Hansoo's left eye, as his family's dear friend, Mr. Gavin, gave a heartfelt toast. I recall Hansoo was deeply moved when Mr. Gavin spoke of how proud he was of Hansoo's many accomplishments, and especially when he spoke of Hansoo's Hominee'(maternal grandmother), who because of infirmity, could not be with us that night.
There are a couple of great shots of Mary Jean and Joe Goode, dancing a slow dance, towards the end of the reception, and they look as in-love as any pair of teenagers(they are my beloved friends from my Pax Christi group, and they are now both in their 70's). Musician, songwriter and poet, Kodac Harrison looks beguiling, as he dances with dear friend, Ellen Lindquist.Poet pal Dustin Brookshire is boogeying with the very strawberry-blond, tall and sexy poet, Jess Hand, and on and on it goes....
I saw shots of the crowd, taken near the end of the reception, and a couple of exhausted-looking folks(that would be Hansoo & I), and I was so excited seeing my dress again, I actually went to my bedroom closet, and searched through my "wedding box", just to run my hands over the silk, once again.
I hope Tina & Tom, in celebrating their five years together, are lifted-up in knowing how grateful we(Hansoo & I) are, in having them, and so many great family and friends, here for for all of us.
Happy Anniversary to that couple we saw wed, dockside, in Florida.
Happy Anniversary, Tina & Tom.
I hope my memories of my own wedding, trigger happy ones of your own.
Our photos, coming soon. Three years, after-the-fact.
Peace, kids.

Alzheimer's Prevention/Prediction.

Alzheimer's Prevention/Prediction.
Check out the report at Time magazine, regarding a fascinating study just completed, concerning one's likelihood of developing Alzheimer's. Apparently, "sophisticated linguistic skills" are important....so, start reading at an early age, and keep on reading, reading, reading!!!
Here's the link:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/20090711/hl_time/08599190942000

Coming up this week at Lisa Allender Writes: posts on poetry, film, a visit with my Daddy--John, and a Shangri-La called "Big Canoe".

Peace, kids.

TWO NEW SITES YOU MUST VISIT:
www.jointheimpact.com
www.georgiaequality.org

Both will help us reach our LGBTQ goal of Civil and Human Rights for ALL!
Peace, kids.