Auspicious Anniversary: May 7th

It was one year ago, today. "It's cancer, Lisa. I have cancer.", said our Mom, somewhat breathless, and I heard her, but immediately went into what is known as "denial mode". "What? That's not possible, Mom. I think you should get a second opinion..." My voice, and my belief that this was a "mistake", trailed off, into oblivion. So, here we are. My sis--Tina and I, her husband Tom, my husband Hansoo, and Mom--Demetra's lovely grand-daughter, Breaz, all shell-shocked from this. Traumatized, made numb. I must add that our Daddy--John Robert Allender--is also devastated by this diagnosis. Daddy is well aware of doctors, hospitals, and illness, having survived several heart attacks before finally quitting smoking (after a (temporarily) "fatal" heart attack, on January 17th, 2004), and having been diagnosed with Stage 5 Kidney Disease, last year, just a few months before Mom's diagnosis. Daddy and Mom have been divorced since 1986, which means they have been divorced just about as long as they were married....and still. Neither ever re-married, though both had numerous opportunities, and very interested partners. So, today is the Anniversary of Mom's diagnosis of cancer. But just as a divorce does not mean the end of Love, neither does cancer mean the end of Health. Mom is, in all other ways, healthy and bright, and beautiful as ever. We head to the facility and staff that helped us to get where we are today--with our living, breathing, loving Mom-- Cancer Treatment Centers of America, tomorrow, for Laser Surgery to shrink the tumors in her brain which have just now re-surfaced, and begun to grow. We will be successful, but it's tiring to hop into "treatment" mode when she believed she had finished up all this, last August. But cancer comes back, tries again. But we--we try, harder. Peace, kids.

Missing Mom....

It's cold and rainy and gray, and it's March and I'm missing our beloved Mom--Demetra. She was here for a few days, just five weeks ago, and before that, she was here for several months, but I miss her. I miss her. Mom is at the home shares with my beautiful, kind, sister and bro-in-law, and I know she prefers being home, in the warmth of south Florida, over the unpredictable weather here in north Georgia, but still, I miss her. I wonder sometimes how I will ever deal with the loss that all of us must face: that of forever losing a parent. I have been shy about even mouthing these words, as it hurts to even imagine such a scenario, yet nearly everyone currently in my life, has lost at least one parent, while my sister and I, are blessed with BOTH of our parents, living, and thriving, despite their harsh, individual, diagnoses...Sis and I are both also blessed with both of our "in-law-parents", too. I have been shy about mouthing these words, because in our American culture, denying death is something we do, every single day. We deny our death, our mortality. We all---perhaps especially me--live as though we have "forever" to accomplish tasks, to meet up with dear friends, to finish writing our play, or finish editing our two books of poems....I try to live by Carpe' Diem--I really do, but the inertia and I suppose--a kind of darkness that has swallowed me up over the past 15 months, has blunted my repeated attempts to feel...indeed, TO BE...productive. I'm hoping Mom will be back up here, before her follow-up in late April, with Cancer Treatment Centers of America. I know this for certain: I felt productive, caring for her. The poetry, was in the doing, in the loving act of cooking for her, assisting her with walking, laughing as we looked over old photographs, crying at the movies ("12 Years A Slave", which we saw shortly after it debuted at a nearby theatre), talking about our old beaus (mine, and hers!). The rain has stopped, but it's still not warm enough here for Mom, yet. I'll light a fire, until she comes back. Peace, kids.

Writing time, Family time.

I am spending nearly all of my time, writing. Writing down phrases every few hours, just like in "the old days/daze" (that would be when poetry first began pounding in my head). I'm in the midst of: *Finally editing "Kudzu Kreatures", a children's book I wrote over 15 years ago; I need to find an illustrator, though I'm told the publisher can do that, for me... *Editing "Words From Water", a collection of poetry which has finally morphed into the shape I longed for... *Writing "The Taste of Shapes", a play/possible screenplay about a young woman with synesthesia; three characters have shown up, so far: Claire, the young (any race) woman with a secret; Mr. "Joe" Kim, the kindly old Korean piano teacher, and Nouwen, a young African-American/mixed-race girl, a glass-blower who bonds with Claire... *Writing new poems I have, once again, the "Luxury of Thought", --that's what I used to call having the time to read, write, revise, analyze...back when I enrolled in philosophy classes under the auspices of "The Invisible College", though an Emory University Doctoral candidate named Greg Johnson (and later, two other Doctoral students); it was a "luxury" to me, because I'd always had to work two or three jobs to pay bills, such that bill-paying very nearly became my occupation, rather than acting, or writing.... With both parents very ill for several months now, and caregiving responsibilities having been, at times, overwhelming, I am keenly grateful to my sister, Tina, who at this moment, is celebrating her birthday, with our Mom--Demetra Allender-- in Florida, even as she-Tina--lifts our beloved Mom up with her own, lively, physically-engaging brand of caregiving. I was fortunate to be in Florida with Tina and Mom at their home, shortly after Mom's diagnosis in May, and then remained there for nearly three weeks, when Mom and I headed up here on May 29th, to ready her for Cancer Treatment Centers of America, and what Mom wanted: "the most aggressive treatment" for her cancer.... I got to keep Mom for nearly 14 weeks--a little over three months of mostly doctor appointments, radiation (everyday, Monday though Friday), and once-a-week Chemo, as well as acupuncture, physical therapy, naturopathy, nutrition, physical therapy, and general "Quality of Life Clinic" visits... Soon, I'll have Mom here again, to follow-up with her doctors....and also, to celebrate Halloween, my birthday, and if she'll stay put up here--Thanksgiving, too. I'm in a very grateful place: grateful for the kind, talented folks who commented on my set of poems which I read at Decatur Book Festival; grateful for the editor of a fabulous journal, who asked me to "submit as many poems as you like, Lisa..."; very grateful for my little sister--Tina-- who is doing the good deeds of daughter-dom, and sister-dom, in being there for Mom, and for me. Poetry rocks, and so does my sister, who focuses her eyes on our Mom, and gets to the work that is caregiving. I promise not to squander any time I have, right now, Tina. We're both--she and I--committed to making the most of our collective time--with our Mom.... Here's to writing. And family. And time, for both.... Peace, kids.

Daddy is (literally) on a roll...

Wowsers, lots for which to be grateful! Daddy lives, and Daddy is in a(remarkable)physical rehabilitation facility. I must give "kudos" to The Consulate, located in Brandon, Florida, for the incredibly good care they give, and the talented physical, speech, and occupational therapists they employ. I/We are incredibly fortunate to have Daddy enrolled in their programs. While still unable to stand, or walk on his own, our Daddy is (literally) "rolling" (often in a wheelchair, or rolling-walker) towards recovery. I want to thank everyone--here, and especially on Facebook, for all your warm thoughts, good energy, kind meditations,and yes--heartfelt prayers... For frequent updates, and gazillions of photos, please DO "Friend" me on Facebook. See link to the right of this post, under "Lisa's Links". You All Rock! Peace, kids.

The Unspoken Words Premiere, 11-11-11, Atlanta.

Friday night was like nothing I've ever experienced in my many years on planet Earth. Hansoo and I headed down after my full day of preparing myself physically, and mentally, for the Premiere of "Unspoken Words". Glancing at my gown(which, by 2:00 P.M., I'd already gotten dressed in), I asked for a 1970's style hairdo from talented hairstylist, Angie Brookmire, at Regis Salon, North Point. She did a "half-up, half-down" style that my sister Tina and I, used to beg my Mom--Demetra to fix our hair in, often lamenting when we were 8 and 13,respectively, "Mom, please fix our hair some-up-and-some-down?!"
Angie had colored and highlighted my hair only a couple of days before, but I stopped in for the styling, which meant literally--a half-up, half-down, off-the-face hairdo. Immediately after, I headed next door, to Macy's, and spoke with Lindsay at the Dior makeup counter.Lindsay prepped my face and applied light makeup; Julie did my (rather extravagant, but totally rockin')eyes. I was feeling comfortable in my Laundry gown, a hot pink number with a very Cher circa 1970's feel to it, which I'd picked up the night before, from Tootsie's boutique in the Around Lenox Shopping Center in Buckhead. I headed home, selected a faux-fur (very dear pal Dan Morrison had personally shopped for me, leaving several wraps of various fabrics and shades of silver, for me, from which to choose).
After much slow-moving traffic (Hansoo drove us--just he and I, down together.My dear Mom, Daddy, and Uncle, were in Mom's car.It turns out, all that annoing traffic was due to a Falcons game, going on in an adjacent area. Anytime there's heavy evening traffic in the ATL, it means (sigh) sports.)
As we approached the Georgia World Congress Center, I could see UNSPOKEN WORDS on the marquee.(!)
My only thought: So this is really, actually happening.That film we all worked so hard on, it's happening....
I asked Hansoo if he could drop me, as I was worried I'd be late (I'd spoken to our Director's girlfriend while I was getting my make-up done, and she'd said "There's a lot going on right now. Don't worry. You're alright."), and he agreed. He dropped me directly in front, and drove away to park our shiny, silver Mercedes ML 550(a large SUV, which he bought for transporting our large dogs, but that night, it looked luminous, and it made me feel glamorous, stepping out of this elegant vehicle).
As I stepped out, I looked up, holding the seam of my gown in my right, silver-gloved hand (the gloves were elbow-length, found-- by Dan Morrison--- at Eddie's Magic Trick Shop(!)), while the other silver-gloved hand held a structured vintage purse, courtesy my "Omma K." (courtesy my "Omma K."-my Korean Mother-in-Law).
And who, of all the nearly 1700 people present, should I see first?
Why, as I stepped as gingerly as possible down the stone steps that lead to the building, I heard "Hey, is that my 'mom'? Is that you? Wow, you look GORGEOUS!" It was Zeek Mayes, who plays Dante' Jordan, the young man who yearns to escape Benetha Evans' grasp in "Unspoken Words". Startled, and frankly, not able to see him well, I yelled, rather loudly, "Zeek? Oh, wow, is that YOU?!"
The hug that followed was one of those warm, I-love-ya-man hugs, and it was exactly what I needed, before the surreal-ness of the evening would begin....

The swirls of light focused on me, as I entered the Georgia World Congress Center's Building A, nearly blinded me.
As I entered the lobby, I noticed several people at various tables, and quietly made my way over, when suddenly, I heard several pop-pop-pops which startled me. I actually felt frightened, as the sound was reminiscent of gunshots. There were
people--men, women, young, old, professional, and people with cell-phones, aiming cameras at me. I actually glanced behind me, thinking someone important must be present, but no--they were aiming at me-- because they wanted pictures, of me?!
I felt like one of those whirling dervishes, as I had to keep moving, to prevent being stopped, and asked questions ("We'd like to ask you a few questions." "Hi, I'm
from Holywood Review, you're next, okay? We want to speak with you." "BET, hi, would you give us some time,please?")or requests, "Hey, will you sign my poster?" I started to laugh, because it was all so incredibly CRAZY. For heaven's sake, the film has not even been released, and this, uh, what is this??? Fortunately, I saw my hubby and assorted friends and family arrive pretty quickly, which meant I could run off and speak with loved ones, instead of strangers.
I ended up doing(I honestly cannot recall how many, 4, maybe 5?), and enjoying, the interview process, but the evening was getting later and later, and we still had not adjourned to the Sidney Marcus Auditorium for the pre-show of hip-hop music and dance performances, and poetry, though some poetry and dance was being performed on a small stage in the lobby. I cannot list all my friends without accidentally leaving someone out, but I will say the biggest chuckle of the evening came when my friend, Liliya arrived, with her husband, and I began to introduce her to my good friend, Julie.
I screamed out, "Oh, this is the woman who waxes me; she's great." I feel certain the peals of laughter rippling through the hundred or so friends and strangers
gathered around me, were happening because everyone must've been imagining and giggling about, this lovely tall blond Russian lady stripping me of my bikini-hair, or giving me a "Brazilian", but I was actually referring to her stellar skills in Brow and Face-waxing, as she had just performed those services a few days before.
(though she certainly is adept at the other lower-down stuff, too). That moment
helped me stay grounded, and seeing dear old USF pal, Derek (now Dr. Derek, DOC,located in Marietta/Smyrna/Vinings area) Conte', standing nearby,caused me to smile a big smile, that lasted nearly all night.
Derek was the guy that every girl in college adored: he was the strong, athletic, dark, edge-y, very Italian guy--from New York City-- no less, and he displayed his immense acting and singing talents in nearly every single piece of theatre our University produced.I had the extreme pleasure of working alongside him, in Jean Paul Sartre's No Exit, circa 1981 or 1982, in an Acting V Honors Class, with other distinguished actors from those years.... and just this past April, saw him for the first time since, at a Reunion of USF Theatre Graduates.
But I digress.
At about this time, I was being whisked away to see the auditorium where the screening would begin, and we were told there was "a power-outtage." Yikes...what did that mean? It's already nearly 8:30 PM,would the Premiere be delayed even more?
I was worried about my Daddy, and my Mom, and Uncle, all of whom I'd seen intermittently throughout the night, but as it grew more crowded, I saw less of them, which upset me.
I dashed out, against "orders" to stay put, to hold my hands up, and wave
everyone (I soon spotted most of my family and friends)over, and they soon filed in, with many others.One dear friend, Carole, exclaimed something about tickets, but I was being told (by organizers)at that moment,to come into the auditorium and I obeyed.I hope she can forgive me, whooshing past her; I felt incredibly flustered.
Once inside the Sidney Marcus Auditorium, I threw my silver faux-fur (I would NEVER wear real fur, ugh!)over a few seats, and then waved it frantically as I watched several attendees descend into the theatre, thinking I could catch my family and friend's attention, so they'd see me, and join me, in our "Special Section" for my peeps and me...
So, now we were all settled in, and I sat between Uncle Buddy and Hansoo, my dearest sweet grrrl, Ms.Coral McGhee sitting next to my Mom--Demetra, and my Daddy--John R., on the other side of her. Both in front of me, and behind me, dozens of friends who came to support me, and showed extreme patience in doing so. A few rows behind, Arthur (Hubby's little bro) and new gal, Erin, sat. And Hans's buddy, Jay (from Jacksonville), his gal-pal,Bunny,and Jay's parents, Harold and Barbara Alexander, from Greensboro, North Carolina.
We were treated to several hip-hop singers and dance numbers, both to warm us up for the film, and I suppose, to offer more entertainment in lieu of the Screening beginning on time, due to what was later called "technical glitches".
After hours of delay, there were prayers offered via gospel-like songs, in a fervent attempt, I believe, to move this Premiere, along.
When the film began, it began rather abruptly, and jarred us to attention.The sound quality was poor, making it difficult to discern every sentence, every word.
However, I found the story (remember, I had not seen the film, either!) very exciting. I loved seeing my name Lisa Nanette Allender up there (and am not embarrassed to admit it!), and enjoyed seeing the words fall away in a jumble as they left the screen.(I loved what Henderson did with the graphics)
The vast audience remnained calm, and very very supportive,as a series of technical problems threatened seeing the film in its' entirety.
Despite the poor sound quality, and numerous glitches where the screen would freeze on a particular shot (the first frozen shot was of me--Benetha--holding that shotgun.My goodness,it's surreal enough to see one's face a hundered times bigger than reality,but downright scary to see a shot like that, frozen-in-time. Great moment: my pal, Ellen's friend, Josh, seemed genuinely puzzled that the person frozen onscreen, was indeed, me, the woman he'd just met in the lobby.That was actually quite cool, not recognizing me,as her.), the audience appeared very engaged.
Several (8-9) of my own scenes did not appear, as the screen "froze", or simply
skipped, and I'm sure other scenes were missing too, but the ending still received much applause.
Filmmaker Henderson Maddox handled the challenges with aplomb and much class. The technical glitches, you can rest assured, will get resolved soon.
Henderson's even providing DVDs of the film (late next year) to those who purchased tickets, online.
As I headed out with family, several women and a few young men, stopped me to
to sign their posters.Several said they did not realize I was Benetha, and had to ask where the actress was, who played her.One woman said "I guess you gained weight for the role.You certainly went from Z, to A, honey. I'm looking at you right now, and this is 'A'." I responded, "Well, I ate half a bag of potato chips, and a half jar of olives, nearly every night we were shooting, because it puffs up your face, and ages you under the eyes. I also lifted weights for my arms, to make them look wiry and bigger, since Benetha would be stronger than I usually (personally) look." I loved that she said "Well, it worked. You were really scary. I loved your character, because I wanted to see more of her.I mean, she was dark, but I could not hate her; I mean, she's sick, but..." Her voice trailed off.
That was the best compliment someone could give me: she seemed at a loss to understand why, exactly, she could feel something for Benetha. Which made me feel, great.

Okay, so the Film Premiere, technically, was not perfect.
But, as my dear Pax Christi friends, Joe and Mary Jean, in a private e-mail later reminded me, these things never are. Perfect.
But for my first Film Premiere, surrounded by such love--my family,including Mom--Demetra, Daddy--John R., my Hubby--Hansoo, and Uncle Buddy, as well as my extended family of dear friends,a dedicated and hard-working filmmaker, Henderson Maddox, our crew and cast, and a strong, onscreen story that I felt myself being pulled into, it was close enough.
Peace, kids.

Summer Loves: family, fresh air, faith, films, and poetry.

So I am dealing with loss (Casandra), exhaustion(not complaining, it just "is what it is") due to my doggies becoming demanding(I have less time for them, so they are 'acting-out', a bit).I also love feeding and caring for my (very beloved) in-laws, and would not have it any other way....but then I also have, mixed in with a lot of (bad) stress, tremendous creative exhiliration as the excitement builds towards the completion of the film, "Unspoken Words".
Casandra is gone, but I am praying for a renewed sense of faith, because this has been so very, very hard. My Mother-in-Law is improving everyday, though it hurts to see her hurting. My Father-in-Law is pretty well, but of course, wounded, seeing his wife so injured. All I can do is cook nutritious meals that hopefully taste great, (I'm doing lots of Breakfasts of omelettes, steel-cut oats with chopped pecans or maple syrup or strawberries, fresh fruit salads, and homemade pecan syrups,Greek potatoes, etc.; for Lunch: curries, stir-frys, curried eggs, spinach salads with berries and apples, brisket(I love "Jewish" food),spaghetti sauces including veggie ones, and ones with carmelized vidalia onions with pancetta(Italian Bacon);Dinner: soups, stews, tuna melts(with mushrooms and sharp cheddar on a croissant, or sliced apples and white cheddar cheese), fresh salmon patties and rice or soba noodles,etc.,and each time I snip from my herb garden a sprig of fresh rosemary or Greek oregano, I pray for my in-laws'full recovery.
I commence filming again, tomorrow. I am very enthused that we will first be working on younger Benetha(my character ages about 15 years in the film).The most physically demanding scenes for me, will be shot over the next several days, when Benetha is older, and hopefully, I'll be wrapped by July 3rd. The film is expected to be completely wrapped by July 8th. The photo shoot for film-posters, and interviews for press kit, will be on July 10th.
The film's "Trailer Release" is on August 23rd.
I must mention the kinship and love I felt, in two separate events recently:
The Howl-A-Thon at First Existentialist Congregation, in Atlanta's Inman Park, where pal Julie Bloemeke and I delivered Allen Ginsburg lines as we tossed rose petals, a la the 1960's, at an enthusiastic audience.That fundraiser, the brainchild of poet/resident hippie/phrasemaker Rupert Fike, was quite successful (in attracting attention and dollars!) for Atlanta Queer Literature Festival.And speaking of AQLF....WOWSERS!
We had a huge, appreciative audience at the kickoff for AQLF, which I Emceed, at Charis Books last Thursday night.I was thrilled with the diversity present, reading, performing, and sharing the love! I purchased Alice Teeter's award-winning book of poems, "String Theory" and Reginald T. Jackson's "This Morning I Woke Up Black: The Barack Obama Poems".I had Reginald sign my copy, but Alice was out the door before I could let her know I needed her signature. Both books are amazing!
My only regret is that I could not interact with AQLF more, because I had family responsibilities here, which prevented me from going out, and staying out, over last weekend.One of those responsibilities, was lovely little Morgan Catherine, our newest niece(born last September 21st), who came to visit with her lovable Daddy, my bro-in-law, Arthur.I discovered babies are truly cool.
Next big project to finish: A two-part Scrapbook, and Photo Album for my Pax Christi, St. Jude's group, which I will be finishing in mid-July, (with help from a couple of Pax Christi members who offered!)and plan to present at our August meeting.
After that: A "Second Sundays Feature Poet/Author with Open Mic" which I will Emcee, at Red Door Playhouse, in Roswell, beginning in September.Admission will be six dollars, but we will be offering CASH PRIZES at quarterly Poetry Competition/Slams.Our first scheduled Feature Poet will be announced in August. More details, soon!
I hope Summer 2011 finds you all, my readers, followers, and friends, both "real life" and "Facebook life", doing well, and enjoying wild blackberries, sunshine, and fresh air.
Peace, kids.

Grace in the midst of chaos.

Nine months is the time it takes for gestation, the time it takes to grow a new life, to give birth.I count back from now,the month of May....Which would be September, and that's when what most folks would say a rain/reign of challenges began.
First,(and continuing the metaphor, literally here) the lovely baby that was expected on Nov.4th(which happens to be my own birthday), was induced into birth, because my talented,and gorgeous sis-in-law was suddenly in pain,and her doctors feared something might "go wrong", if the baby(Beautiful Morgan Catherine) was not delivered (10 weeks early!)immediately.Only three days days later, we received news that Toni(that sister-in-law) had been put through several tests, when it was discovered she had cancer.Two days after that, we learned it was "Advanced, Stage 4, Gastro-intestinal Cancer of Unknown Origin."
Toni passed way, after a valiant attempt to beat advanced Stage 4 Cancer, approximately three weeks after her baby was born.Which left Arthur, my husband's younger brother, as a (devastated) single Dad.Shortly after this, Arthur and my husband's own own Dad's cancer, returned(years ago, he had prostate cancer, which was defeated....but it returned).The two brothers grieved quietly, but they grieved, and still grieve, over what treatments may (or may not)ever work for their Dad, my father-in-law.
Next, my husband began to have odd pains all over his body, which turned out to be non-acute appendicitis.He was given an "option" to have his appendix removed, but because it was "inexplicably large"(a 13 instead of a normal6), he opted for removal...and it's a good thing, since when it was removed, it was noticeably "fiberous". So, a biopsy was done. Biopsy results? A "Carcinoid Tumor".... so rare, it affects less than 1% of the world population.We were told it was early stage, possibly Stage I, and since it's rarely found until very late(deadly) stage, because there are NO early symptoms, "he was lucky" to have had appendicitis, or we'd never have known about it. So, this meant a second surgery for Hansoo, but one that would remove the cancer. All the while, we were juggling our grief(over the loss of Toni), our exhaustion (doctor's appointments, operations, and spending (happy) time with new Daddy, Arthur, and everyone's little miracle, Morgan)and our now-regular apprehension(fear of even a cold or flu, because either would make caring for each other, impossible).
So when Monday night's routine trip to a local grocery store, for my beloved in-laws turned into a twisted metal wreck of a Lexus SUV, as a Chevy truck struck them broadside("t-bone" fashion), then flipped over them, traveling at a high rate of speed as they attempted a left-hand turn, I held my breath as I rode in a friend's car to the hospital, following Hansoo, just minutes after he received a call from our local hospital's Emergency Room, that his parents had been admitted.
His Dad:
Broken ribs, mild concussion, bruise.
His Mother, seated in front passenger-side, was not as fortunate:
numerous broken bones
spine:fractured discs
spine:compressed discs
broken right shoulder
broken right arm(multiple)
hairline fracture, neck
bruises
lacerations
His Dad is back here, at home with us.His Mom, "Omma K." as I call her, is undergoing a life-saving blood-transfusion to strengthen her for her upcoming surgery.She'll be back home soon, but there will be weeks of rehabilitation therapy, physical therapy. And months and months of healing.
The loving Roman Catholic nun, Mother Theresa, famously said "I know God only gives me what he knows I can handle.....I just wish He didn't trust me so much."
It would be easy to say It is too much, all of these trials, all these tragedies, so close together, or I can't handle this; it is too hard.
But I am reminded it's been nine months, and like the baby, Morgan Catherine, our long-gone sis-in-law Toni gave birth to, perhaps these nine months are preparing us/me for a time of new life, new purpose.It's a way to re-frame the seeming chaos, and embrace what I'll call challenges, rather than call them difficulties, or tragedies.
When challenges emerge, we must grow to meet them.
I'm lighting a candle--a scented one, tonight.Savoring the sweet aroma, with the deep breaths I can easily take, even as "Omma K." struggles to take the deep breaths so necessary for her to strenthen her lungs, and for her to avoid the all-too-common hospital-pneumonia.
I am grateful, even now, for family, and, for God. Especially now.
Peace, kids.

Warm Mugs of Cocoa.

It's been too long since I've updated my blog.I'm sorry. Really sorry.
The fact is, I have been in a hurt and hurting state for quite some time.
Our family's loss(see my most recent post, below)began the hurt, and then...my mental connection to not just one, but two different characters(for films) that I've been working on becoming--both of whom are desperate and hurt in their own ways, and one of whom is despicable in her acting-out of violence on others...have ratcheted up the pain I've been feeling.
But....good news! First, the short-film entitled "Just Us", is wrapped.
I'll be able to see excerpts, and then the entire film, very soon!
(In it, I have, according to wonderful Director Reggie Price, a "small, but pivotal role" as the heroin-addicted mother of three girls)
And "Unspoken Words", the Feature-Length Film from award-winning filmmaker, Henderson Maddox, will wrap soon! (In it, I play Benetha(pronounced like "beneath her"),a hard-drinking, hard-smoking, cruel foster-mother of 13+ children).
In the Spirit of the Holidays/Holidaze, I've been making homemade hot-chocolate every night, and brewing Jasmine Green Tea(iced-only, for the hubby, Hansoo)and catching-up by phone with dear friends and family.
Looking forward to feeling "attractive" again, since right now, I can't CHANGE the way I look, since I chose to look "very rough" for Benetha(that means no brow or face waxing, no manicure, no pedicure, no hair cut or color, etc.).
During the film, I am "aged" "a hard 14 years", meaning the brilliant make-up artist, Renonda Anderson, aged me 20-25 ugly-years(since Benetha drinks and smokes, she would not age gracefully), and it works well for Benetha.
But I swear, I (me-- Lisa Nanette)am going to go crazy applying glam-makeup, once "Unspoken Words" is wrapped.(sigh). May be headed to Saks Fifth Avenue's Cosmetics, and then Sephora, immediately following the finish of "Unspoken Words".

In the More-Holiday-Cheer-Department:
I recently shopped Pier 1 for their fab UNICEF Holiday Cards...Love those. Have been giving those nearly every years, for over 25 years, because:
* Children create the designs.
* Children directly benefit from the proceeds of the cards.
Delicious, incredibly decadent, White-Chocolate-Raspberry-Cake at "Alpine Bakery" in Crabapple area of Alpharetta. Yum-meeee. :)
Here's to bright dreams coming true for all of you kids out there in Blog-land and Facebook-land.
Peace, kids.

Travel updates. And one heckuva dog, "Louie".

So we had a great visit in Franklin area of Nashville, Tennessee.
Hubby Hansoo travels/works occasionally in that area, so I was delighted to get visit him and our "new town" for connecting, and re-connecting.
Speaking of re-connecting, I was thrilled to see cuz Jeff(the son of my mom's sister, my dear sweet Aunt Mary, who died of pancreatic cancer in 2003)who is continuing to make a name for himself in the music-land that is Nashville.
Jeff pens songs, plays a bad-a*& guitar, and sings eloquently.
I love having such a talent in our family! Check out the link to his site, under "Poets, Bloggers and Others", to the right of this entry.
Just scroll down.
From Franklin area of Nashville, Tennessee, we headed by car to Indiana, to both the area called "Little Nashville"(I am researching a woman called "Grandma Barnes"--a colorful character who was half-Cherokee, extremely beautiful and a subject for artists from all over the world, a poet and an actress...and my great-great-grandmother!)....and also, the Franklin area of Indiana, to attend 3rd-cuz, Robin Hall's outdoor wedding. It was a lovely, albeit extremely hot day(perhaps karmic punishment for my own, overly-cold wedding: a garden-wedding held in February, 2007!), and one I treasure:
Robin was radiant, and when her Daddy teared up as they danced the Father-Daughter dance, I recalled my own precious moments with my own Dad, who was sitting across from me.It was great to meet-up with Daddy, especially since I was(and still am!) extremely grateful he could be there:
his 4th heart-attack of the past 14 years, was the same day he flew into Indiana(he left just hours after!).His "saving grace" was the new (Fall, 2004) defibrillator implanted in his chest.
Whew.
We listened to children laughing, I danced the "Macarena"(the cheesy dance everyone else plays at their wedding; our cheesy dance-song was the gay anthem, "YMCA". giggle.), and we ate bbq and took pictures.
We listened to master-pianist, Larry Wayne(another 3rd-cuz of mine) play Preludes he'd written.
And then, we returned home to see our beloved(adopted from Golden Retriever Rescue Association of Atlanta in October, 1998) Golden Retriever is losing his footing, partly due to his hips weakening, and partly because he is suffering from a very nasty bacterial infection of the ear(he's had this "Pseudomonas" several times, but this time, it re-curred, and got to his inner-ear/brain area.sigh.). He's in a constant state of extreme sea-sickness, combined with a loss of balance.He appears to be nauseated, as he is refusing all food,though he's not vomiting.
He weaves, and often, falls.
The library in our house now looks like a small obstacle course of pillows and cushions, to prevent him hurting himself.(double-sigh).
At age 13(approximate, since we're not certain--he could be as young as 12-and-a-half, or closer to 14), we know we're luckier than most, having him for so many fun, great years.
But that doesn't mean when I look into his huge, wet brown eyes, his head tilted in a ridiculously amusing way (horribly, it's from the infection making him dizzy), that this is any easier.
It's so hard to do what I know we must do, to prevent him suffering any further.
We originally just wanted to clear up the infection(minimum time for healing:3-6 weeks, possibly months), and then have a few great weeks to celebrate his life.
It seems, however, that we must now take it not day-by-day, or even hour-by-hour, but moment-to-moment.
If you believe in prayer healing, I would humbly ask for you to pray for healing of any/all kinds.If not of Louie's illness, then may it be a healing of our hearts.
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Peace, kids.

Once Again in The Limelight (in more ways than one!)

Feeling a bit like a hermit, but that's about to change. I've spent most of the past six months auditioning, working as an actor, and writing, re-writing and editing, the following: my original book, "Words From Water: Poems"; a second collection, "The Book of O: The Orgasm Poems"; a short-story; a children's book; two plays; and...the beginnings of something(it's still in "pieces") which may become a screenplay.
Next up: joining (and in some cases, re-newing membership)several writers' groups.
I'm also planning to do lots of meet-ups with everyone I've neglected, very soon.
My Mom--Demetra. My Dad--John R. All my "in-town" friends. Several friends and cousins who live in California, who'll be visiting later this summer. The "One More Night, Limelight Reunion".(for those who don't know, "The Limelight" was Atlanta's answer to NYC's "Studio 54" in the 1980's....).If you're on Facebook, be sure to check out their Facebook Page, under "Limelight Reunion".It's on Friday, July 30th, from 6:00 P.M.- 2:00 A.M.
Here's to work, networking, re-connecting, family, friends, and....fun!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TINA!!!

Today is my baby-sister, Tina's birthday. I still call her my "baby sister", even though neither of us are anywhere near baby-age!
In most families, children are deigned "the pretty one" or "the athletic one" or "the smart one"...but in this family, believe me, my sister is all three, and then some. Tina's also quite kind, possessing a faith in both God and in most other human beings, too.
Tina is a marketing whiz whose recent campaigns included these cool slogans:
For a popular, rather luxurious bowling/entertainment center:
"SPARE Yourself from the ordinary!"
and the simple-but-true:
"Bowling's Back."
In her outreach to her community, Tina does tremendous promotions and parties for the bowling entertainment center where she is employed, as well as planning corporate events and parties, on-premises.
Lately, in her time away from work, she's been riding (a bicycle) for causes, specifically for Multiple Sclerosis, which a dear friend of hers has been stricken with. Tina runs, bikes, works out, loves to cook(and is quite the chef...her home-made, "Four-Cheese Mac-n-Cheese" rocks!), and loves spending time with her husband, daughter, and our Mom and Dad.
Tina's entertaining skills are legendary. An event I've dubbed "The Fabulous Fry" (which I blogged about last year, in November 2008, at this forum)has nearly 100 people cruising in and out, the Saturday before Thanksgiving, at Tina and husband Tom's "Purple Palace" as they call it! Tom does the frying of turkeys and the pouring of liquor, and Tina does everything else. Set-up, break-down, and all the various foods, in-between, including her famous corn-casserole, salads, veggies, rice dishes, pastas, and breads, and desserts.I almost forgot....her appetizers, including bruschettas are great!
Tina has been enlisting the help of those who attend to bring dishes to share, and often, Tina pays for the ingredients!
The one thing I'd change about Tina, if I could? I'd give her an extra hour per week, and insist on my share of that time:just ten minutes, every week with her, to catch up! Have a great birthday, sis!
Peace, kids.

Funeral For A Good Man.

Friday was the day of the funeral. It was the funeral for a man who had just turned 47, a man who was our neighbor--the great family who lived across the street from us, when we lived in our first house--in Suwanee(South Forsyth County), Georgia. James B.(affectionately known as "J.B." to his long-time pals)had been diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor, only a few months ago. He went into a coma on Tuesday, only hours before he passed.

I spoke to my lovely niece, Breaz, by phone on Thursday night, and told her what I thought about the fact that I had a funeral to attend, the very next day.
I told her that "At twenty years old, we think a 'big life, a great life,'is when someone is wealthy, or has great fame, or is someone working to cure cancer, or something else 'big'."
But I told her that as I've grown, and become older, I believe having a big life means being the devoted husband, the wonderful, loving father, the kind son. "These are things that are not easy to do; to be this requires care, and love, and genuine goodness."
James B. had a lot of people in his life who obviously felt as I felt. The funeral home was packed with men from his softball team, close friends he played golf with, or hunted with, or fished with, folks from a nearby church that loved him dearly, clients and colleagues from his many many years in the auto-sales business, and many neighbors, and like us, former neighbors. The family had assembled a video that displayed images of James engaged in various activities, or holding his boys close--James has two great human boys, Cort and Grant, and two non-human(Black Labs), Remy and Chester. He also has a deeply committed wife, Janet, who fell in love with him when they were both teenagers. Classic high-school romance. Except this one lasted. For 27 years.
I grew close to his wife, Janet, as I began a journey in 2003 towards renewed faith in God. She and I began speaking about philosophical issues, life, and faith just after 9/11. Years later, when I visited their church, I noticed she & James held hands during the service. I remember thinking how touching that was, that sense of connection to each other, and to their God, at that moment. I longed for that connection with my own partner.
James never sought attention or fame for himself. He sought the company of good people--hard-working, decent folks who are happy to have a good job to go to in the mornings, are excited to discuss sports, appreciate a good businessman, and share faith in a loving God. James' life was a big life, a huge life, filled with the friendships of those who came to mourn him, but more--to remember and celebrate his life.
Towards the end of the service, I could see tears forming in my husband Hansoo's eyes. I reached for his hand, and a moment later, the pastor asked us all to pray, and in that instant, I could feel the Presence of that which we call God.
Here's to Grace and Peace and Blessings for his wonderful family.
Peace, kids.

25 Random Things About Me.

Okay, just now getting to this.I've been tagged at Facebook, to do this.
So........
25 Random Things About Me

1) I used to be very very shy. In fact, I had tremendous difficulty speaking in front of class.Even in college, I was unable to do this, though I loved performing onstage.I suppose when I'm in "the skin of someone else", it's easier than just li'l ol' me standing up there. But poetry(reading it aloud) has helped me immeasurably!
2) I've always wanted to be Irish/Celtic, and I discovered recently that I do indeed have that in my Allender-background.
3) I have a secret fantasy where I am a glass-blower.(in the unbelieveable-irony-category, there is someone named Lisa Allender who is a ceramicist and also blows glass. She lives in UK. I guess she's the Lisa Allender, who gets to do that!)
4)I never had a burning desire for babies, but I would consider adopting an older child/children.So many kids have no home.
5)When I was growing up, we had dozens of dogs, as my parents raised German Shepherds. I used to think "dog-people"(my definition was anyone who raised and spent gobs of time with dogs,and/or showed dogs to win prizes or awards) were weird. Now, I'm older, and love dogs. And dog-people. I don't care about prizes or awards, though.
6) I am survivor of several types of violence in my life. And I believe that much-quoted statistic which claims that 1 out of 4 girls is molested by a friend of the family, or an(extended)relative.In fact, almost every woman I've ever asked, has said they were molested, or raped, at least once in their life. Really.
7) Regarding #6, I still have a bright, optimistic view of mostly all of humanity, and I have completely forgiven those who did harm to me. I figure, they must've been incredibly damaged, to commit awful acts, on others.
8)I love dancing, and once danced, NON-STOP, for nearly 7 hours(I was drinking water while dancing).
9)I think it's incredibly sexy to hear a woman/man read her/his own poetry.(No wonder I spend so much time, listening to poets!)
10)I am a very good cook. I love making pasta dishes, vegetarian dishes, and baking-- cakes, cupcakes, pies, cobblers--is my favorite!
11) A huge disappointment to me was not getting to complete the Team-in-Training Leukemia & Lymphoma Walk/Run of November, 2007(my doctor would not give permission for me to finish). I'm going to try again, though!
12) I used to read all about serial killers. I read so much about Ted Bundy, that I feel like I met him!(excellent books on him: "The Only Living Witness", by, uh, Hugh Aynesworth and his cop-partner, whose name escapes me right now(that book was given to me by a concerned boyfriend, who worried I'm too friendly(true) and would attract bad people(sometimes true)), "The Stranger Beside Me", by famed author, Ann Rule.)
13)I have held over 50 different jobs in my life.All were legal, though some of the jobs had me compromising a few things, but I do not regret any job I've held. Among the jobs:
*dee-jay at a night-club during college(I was 20 years old, and it was during the Disco-Years)
* a planter at a swelteringly hot, humid, seed plant in Ruskin, Florida.It was a summer-job. The folks who owned it were "religious", which meant I had to wear long-sleeved shirt(no bare arms!), with a bra underneath and long pants(no bare legs!)--in a 120 degree(yes, you read that right) greenhouse. In June, July, August. In Florida.
*Barista(before anyone in the US called us that) at Atlanta's Lenox Mall's Macy's Cellar Cafe'. We were "Sales Associates", but were trained to make cappucino's, lattes, etc. there. First espresso/cappucino machine in all of Atlanta, it was from Italy, and very expensive. I loved that job, because of the lovely people I worked with(I discovered, 10 years later--one gentleman I worked with was the uncle of a man I am now very close with!!).
*Actor. In numerous plays, and a few commercials/tv/film. I love acting, but may enjoy writing even more!
*Writer. I've interviewed many famous authors(including Oprah Book Club pick, Elizabeth Berg)and always love learning what they hold dear.
*Director of a musical, at a children's theater.I assisted at a well-known theater, in Ybor City, Tampa, Florida. It was crazy-making, but very fun. The show was "Oliver!"
* Undercover detective. I was hired to report on suspected drug/alcohol use at companies, while posing as a secretary there.(gain the employees' trust, then report on them.)It felt VERY immoral/unethical, but no one ever lost their job on account of my job. All were offered drug/alcohol counseling. I guess that makes me feel a little better.
* Nightclub work. I held several different jobs, in a variety of nightclubs. Use your imagination.
* House/Pet-sitter. Love this work, as it's lots of fun. I did this, off and on, for four years.
*Voice-Over Actor. Really fun job(Anime' voices, commercial work). Pays really well, for very little time invested. But you should have an acting background. It IS acting!
* Waitress.Of course. Too many venues to mention(see also, nightclub work)
Those are just a few of the jobs that I've held.
14) Whenever I worked a job NOT connected to acting, or writing, I dubbed it a "job-job".
15) I used to catch colds, all the time. Because I do meditation, I haven't had a cold in over 9 years.(I believe meditation "centers" me, and so I am "shored-up" when bacteria or viruses near me). The average adult in the US catches 4 colds per year.
16) I love working as a volunteer, and am sad since I've been ill(the past several months, with Diverticular disease/pre-surgery/surgery/recovery) that I have not been able to volunteer with the schoolchildren through BookPALS, help out at theatres, or feed the hungry at the homeless shelter, downtown. I don't understand why more people don't volunteer. Even an hour or two a week, can help!
17)I miss doing retail work. I am very interested in jewelry, and especially, Gemology.I think working for Tiffany's would be a hoot.
18)Although I was raised Catholic, I lost all faith in any god, by 1987. In late 2003, however, and early 2004, I had an "awakening"(way too many things happening--and happening "perfectly"--that I could not explain in any rational way) to faith. I'd call myself a Catholic-Christian, but I'm VERY progressive.I'm much more spiritual, than religious. My way "in" to faith, was through the marvelous Peace & Social Justice group, Pax Christi.
www.paxchristiusa.org
19)When I was very young, I wanted to be a nun.
20) I first had strong urges/crushes on women, when I was 17. I did not seriously(I kissed a few women, that's all) act on those urges, until I was 27.My first woman was only 19--and she definitely seduced me(she was very experienced, etc.).
21)The second man I had sex with, in my life, Bobby, was exclusively gay. We were great friends, and worked together, briefly, at "Penrod's". He came over one evening, we watched t.v., and talked, and I tried marijuana(I'd only tried it once before,I don't usually use drugs)with him. And we joked about a pretty hostess we both knew. I said I thought she'd be a good kisser. He asked "How would you kiss her?" I showed him, and, well, one thing led to another. He was two hours late, picking his boyfriend up from work. I knew his boyfriend, and in fact, we were all good friends. Two days later, his boyfriend came storming over to my apartment, and pounded on the door, threatening to kill me. I hid in my tiny bathroom, and did not answer the door.
A few weeks later, Bobby showed up where I served food at a rib-restaurant, and tried to give me a ring(!). Said his parents and family(in Tennessee) would "just love you, Lisa." I explained I still had feelings for my first boyfriend, that what happened was once-only, etc. I told him I believed he, Bobby, was gay, that it was just an experiment for him. He said no, that he wanted me to marry him.I asked him to please leave. I never heard from him, again.
22)I have few regrets. Except I feel really bad about hurting lovers in my life. I was not always faithful, and loving, as a person in a relationship, should aim to be.
23)If I could live in any other country, I think I'd pick Greece.
24)My niece is top priority with me. Her health, well-being, self-expression, happiness.Young people have all that bright, open promise!
25) I was one of 12--count 'em--12 students, in 1976, in "College Republicans".Within two years,however,I was an Independent. I'm a registered Libertarian(since 1998), but beginning in 1984(in 1980, I voted Independent, just as I did in 1976),
I have voted in national elections, Democrat, all the way!
26) Because I sometimes am naughty--I'm adding a 26th thing:
I think friends really are "the family you choose". I do have a great, strong family-of-origin/family I've married into, both of which I am grateful for, but I'd be lost without my loving, creative, politically-aware, blogging, selfless, inclusive friends!
Peace, kids.