Countdown on the Calendar.

Hi kids! So, its July, and she has nearly come to the end. I've noticed that lately, I'm tending to personify everything as Female. I'm not quite sure why suddenly, everything has a "gender". I was perfectly comfortable with the neutral "it", and no pronouns, but maybe my constant "feminizing" of all things gender-less, is some not-so-subtle psychological wish to bring the "feminine" back. As in, my beloved Mom. I guess we tend to anthropomorphize our dogs, our companion animals, and I know I do that: endowing our sweet German Shepherds with all kinds of human traits like kindness, generosity, empathy(I suspect the last quality named, is the only absolute in evidentiary terms). Perhaps I am "mom-izing" all things important to me. The calendar, for example. I am headed towards two dates that are so painful to anticipate, that I won't even LOOK at a calendar. Which of course, makes her (the calendar) even more urgently important to me. September 14th of last year, we lost kind, old "Appa K."--Mr. Ho Chang "Big Henry" (he was about 5'3")Kwon, to prostate and bladder cancer. Sort of. He actually perished as a result of pneumonia. And then, exactly four Sundays later, we lost my beloved Mom to (Never-Smoker)Stage 4 Non-Small-Cell-Lung-to-Brain Cancer. So we are inching towards autumn, and all that we lost. All that we still miss. The doors in my house are left slightly open these days, and these solid "girls"- with their white paint, squeaky-hinged, aching for visitors, are waiting for someone to push them back, enter their terrace-level rooms with remnants of Appa K.--his tweed suits, and on the third floor, bits of my Mom--her ankle-weights that were never used, except to steady the walker she so needed, for so many months. Until near the end, when even standing was something she could not do; even sitting up, impossible. And holding her head up? Eventually, that was a faraway dream. Holding one's head up, even as these doors to bedrooms, hold themselves open, revealing only a glimpse of what our loved ones left behind, and reminding us, like women with whispered secrets, that they can be fully opened, or closed, but left ajar, they conjure shadows for me. I'm imagining Mom in the next room, watching the daytime tv she was reduced to enjoying, a quiet request for melon, or ice cream, "Lisa, is there ice cream?" and I picture "Appa K." milling about, asking for a ride to the doctor, and then complaining that the doctors don't know anything. I hear him tell me a thousand times "Thank you; you are a good daughter. I am proud of you." And I carry the ice cream upstairs to Mom, and Hansoo carries his Dad to the doctors, and then I open the door more fully, just now, and no one is there, except Mom's pretty sweaters, fluffy and vanilla colored, they are pretty girls, curled up, as bereft as I am. If they could pray for a wearer, they would. Perhaps they feel as useless as I do. Peace, kids.

Missing Mom....

It's cold and rainy and gray, and it's March and I'm missing our beloved Mom--Demetra. She was here for a few days, just five weeks ago, and before that, she was here for several months, but I miss her. I miss her. Mom is at the home shares with my beautiful, kind, sister and bro-in-law, and I know she prefers being home, in the warmth of south Florida, over the unpredictable weather here in north Georgia, but still, I miss her. I wonder sometimes how I will ever deal with the loss that all of us must face: that of forever losing a parent. I have been shy about even mouthing these words, as it hurts to even imagine such a scenario, yet nearly everyone currently in my life, has lost at least one parent, while my sister and I, are blessed with BOTH of our parents, living, and thriving, despite their harsh, individual, diagnoses...Sis and I are both also blessed with both of our "in-law-parents", too. I have been shy about mouthing these words, because in our American culture, denying death is something we do, every single day. We deny our death, our mortality. We all---perhaps especially me--live as though we have "forever" to accomplish tasks, to meet up with dear friends, to finish writing our play, or finish editing our two books of poems....I try to live by Carpe' Diem--I really do, but the inertia and I suppose--a kind of darkness that has swallowed me up over the past 15 months, has blunted my repeated attempts to feel...indeed, TO BE...productive. I'm hoping Mom will be back up here, before her follow-up in late April, with Cancer Treatment Centers of America. I know this for certain: I felt productive, caring for her. The poetry, was in the doing, in the loving act of cooking for her, assisting her with walking, laughing as we looked over old photographs, crying at the movies ("12 Years A Slave", which we saw shortly after it debuted at a nearby theatre), talking about our old beaus (mine, and hers!). The rain has stopped, but it's still not warm enough here for Mom, yet. I'll light a fire, until she comes back. Peace, kids.

Trying to be grateful, in the midst of (impending) loss.

So here we are, mid-February, and just-past my 7th Wedding Anniversary (Hansoo and I married February 10th, 2007), and, though I have much for which to be very grateful, I am sad. Sad over Mom, who, though she is improving and living well in Florida, is...in Florida. Faraway from me. Her home is there, and she is where she wants to be. My sis, Tina, has now taken on the role of primary Caregiver, the role I took on for so many months, last year. Mom's primary residence has always been there at Tina's, but it still hurts not to have her here, with us. I am immensely grateful for the extreme care I see Tina pour into Mom's life. I think seeing my sister be so kind and gentle with our Mom, makes me feel even closer to her, and like most siblings, Tina and I haven't always been so close. Daddy is much improved (he lives in yet a different part of Florida), and my in-laws are better, with "Appa K" (my father-in-law) addressing his cancer; he now has two kinds: prostate and bladder) health issues, too. So, why the melancholy? I know my loved ones will die, and I cannot fathom being without them. I also have deep concerns about the health of other relatives, and friends. I also am just beginning to realize, how very, very challenging, all of this, is. It is hard to see people you adore, begin to fall into decline. As I posted to a Facebook Wall, earlier today, "The aging and disease has got hold of her/him, and won't let go. There's a human being still in there, who loves us. And we got to love her/him, right back." Here's to Caregivers, everywhere. You are not all alone. There is Peace in the universe, and the way to feel that peace, is to breathe, and remember that this responsibility is only for a short time in your life. You will never, ever, regret "being there" for your parents, your sibling, your spouse, your children, your extended family... Peace, kids.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, 2014!

Well, kids, it is January 4th and the New Year looks brighter than I ever expected.... While we as a family are still reeling from all the parental-illness of the past year, I can say I am buoyed by my resilient family, my always-kind friends, and you, dear readers... I have made only a few Resolutions this year, so I can actually achieve them: * Drive! My biggest failing in life, is my confidence (or lack, thereof).It affects my mobility, as I seldom drive(and I have a beautiful car sitting in our garage!). * Submit more writing. I've already begun doing this. I have a children's book to submit, a play to finish, and lots of (new) poems. See a poem of mine, just published in December, in the Current Issue of Flycatcher Journal: www.flycatcherjournal.org * More CONFIDENCE. I need to get New Headshots, and pursue my acting full-out, full-on. * If and When my Family needs me, to be available--as I have been the past year-- with extra energy and patience. And finally, to help in that promise, to exercise and do more meditation, every single day! I've (so far!) been walking/running every day now, at least 1-2 miles. I'm meditating now, twice a day: morning and night. What are YOUR promises to yourself? Peace, kids.